fully alive //

I was so excited to go to yoga class this morning, Bryant had to work and it's been a few months, so I thought it would be a great way to start off my weekend with some deep stretches and soul care.

The class always starts with the deep breath, letting go of whatever attached itself throughout the week, then a slight twist to the side to engage... and that's when it started.

I felt as though i was wringing out a wet towel, each movement going deeper, tears starting to form.

At the end of class, laying flat, I wrapped myself in a scarf my dear friend Diana gave to me to remember Obadiah, and took a few deep breaths as the tears continued to roll down my cheek, over my ears, along my hair line and dripping off the back of my neck, and I was reminded of the empty feeling that has lingered in my womb for the last two months.

My father has a way with words and I rushed to him, expressing that at the end of class when you are to "thank your body", I couldn't do it. How could I thank my body for failing to bring forth the life I was designed to create?

He encouraged me that, much how you forgive a someone who has betrayed you, you must also forgive your body. If I am to love God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength, then whatever is in my heart will flow out, and if I am not right with myself, that will pour out to my relationship with God and to others.

I discovered before writing this that today is "National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day", and though it seems they have a day for everything, I felt encouraged to share what God has released in my heart on this day, through this experience. If anything to encourage other women today.

When I returned home my journal plopped open to August 5th 2016, 8 days before we lost Obadiah. My eyes skimmed the words of promise and joy I had received from the Father that day, with these ones standing out:

"Your future, the coming days, are full, there's a wave coming

some will flee from it

but you will go towards it -

again and again

I will cleanse your heart and your lives

drawing you deeper into my presence

and filling you richer with my Spirit.

Alive you will be,

and fully alive you shall become

my Beloved one.

Forever I am with you."

Upon reading this, I took my dear Dads advice and not only forgave my body but thanked my body for how it was designed and that I now know how to heal and grow.

I prayed over my womb and declared the Lords favor upon my body and the health of my future baby.

This picture is from the video of my mom's 70th birthday party, where in a letter I read to her out-loud I announced to her a new role she was about to take on in my life as "Nana". Her and my dad's reaction was priceless, and though only 15 hours later they held Bryant and I praying over us and mourning the loss of Obadiah with us,

I wouldn't trade that moment of joy.

I feel each wave of grief is truly cleansing my heart, pulling me closer to the Father and enriching my life with His Spirit and power.

For all you mammas who have lost a child, give yourself space, give yourself time, give yourself grace to be in that moment, when the wave comes, be washed over by the Holy Spirit, our comforter. Allow him to pull you closer, deeper, and know your joy will be made fully alive once again. Forever, He is with you.

&thenhesaid: I will restore joy to you and the life within you will become fully alive //