// Get Out Of The Boat

I can't remember the date, but it was some time this summer. I had been so inconsistent with the diet and supplements I was instructed to follow. I wanted a child, but I noticed myself less and less motivated. The external stress of charting my temperature every morning, making myself nauseous three times a day from the over abundance of supplements, always having to be careful what I was eating, and restricting my physical activity.

Then when I wouldn't follow it to the letter, feeling guilty, experiencing more losses, and the thought "this is my fault" growing deeper and deeper into my heart, like the roots of a weed, taking over.

I heard a simple phrase one Sunday morning, as I had asked a close friend for prayer:

GET OUT OF THE BOAT.

(Image of me standing in the Sea of Galilee at Sunrise in 2007)

I felt frustrated by the phrase. Thinking of the story of Jesus when he was asleep in the boat. So I asked him "are you asleep in this boat you speak of?" He replied with a simple, almost laughable "no".

And I gave a snappy "WELL THEN WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?"

I'm so glad He's patient, kind, and understanding.

The Holy Spirit directed me to another story of a storm in the Bible in Matthew 14

Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side,

while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds,

he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone,

but the boat by this time was a long way from the land,

beaten by the waves,

for the wind was against them.

And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified,

and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear.

But immediately Jesus spoke to them,saying,

“Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”

And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”

He said, “Come.”

So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus.

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him,

“O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

And those in the boat worshiped him, saying,

“Truly you are the Son of God.”

Reading this story in that moment, calmed the frustration in my heart, as I softly, and humbly replied "I see now, you're not in the boat..." But I saw how, in the story, Jesus:

"made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side."

There was something in what I had been doing that was good, but it was time to get out of the boat. I stopped tracking my temperature, and said that whatever getting out of the boat was supposed to look like, I would do it. I knew it would be a one step at a time type of process.

The doctor had said that things were improving in my adrenal glands and my copper levels had gone down. I see now, that all served a purpose in the healing, but He was shifting focus, and I needed to trust Him.

Another loss after that. I can still see her in my mind, in the palm of my hand. She was beautiful. I felt in that moment like Peter, seeing the wind, seeing yet another loss. Feeling afraid.

My doctor at this point recommended finding an OBGYN/Specialist - I hesitated, because He had said to get out of the boat, I did not want to just get into "another boat". But I felt a peace and did some research.

Dr. Sarah Bascle. Studied theology and applied her studies to women's health.

New to New Hampshire as of this February at CMC in Manchester, uses Natural Procreative Technology. A few months later, I had an appointment to meet her.

Every step, meeting with her, setting appointments for ultrasounds or blood tests - felt like one foot in front of the other, is this the water or a new boat? Would this be a step in the right direction or am I doubting what He has said?

I'm a firm believer in miracles, but I also believe in the miracle of the process.

The ultrasound was the most intimidating step, they are expensive and frankly, seeing the images on the screen of an empty womb was devastating. To me, an ultrasound is supposed to be exciting, seeing your little bean. Not throwing a dart in the dark to see if maybe it's endometriosis, or PCOS, or a septum, or or or... something that ISN'T a baby in there.

And the ultrasound I had before didn't give us any answers, so I couldn't see how getting another one would be any good. I crossed my arms and gave a firm "nope not doing it".

A few weeks later, God told me "make the appointment for the ultrasound." And i'm so glad I did.

Though a painful and uncomfortable process, it showed the doctor there was something in there that was not seen before and I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy and D&C, as soon as possible.

The image showed what looked like a septum, something blocking any fertilized egg from implanting, explaining the early losses we were experiencing.

I can't express the surge of relief that poured into my heart, how excited I was for this surgery. Finally seeing THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT.

What blew my mind even more, was that, what they had seen on the ultrasound, when they went in for surgery was not there. There was no septum. But there was a lot of... stuff.

If you've seen Stranger Things...

the upside down had basically over taken my baby box.

After surgery they showed me the before and after photos.

And it was as if the winds and waves had finally calmed around me.

The images looked like before, a raging storm, and after, calm and peaceful.

I read a quote from Bill Johnson's book "God is good, he's better than you think"

"Jesus stilled every life-threatening storm that He encountered"

And as I pondered that, reflecting this last year and a half, I heard Him say

"Beloved, you know I also sent the disciples out on the boat knowing the storm would happen. Peter walked on water with me BEFORE I calmed the storm.

I calm the storms but I also am not intimidated by them.

Storms are opportunities to operate in faith over fear, to respond in peace rather than react in chaos and panic. Even in the midst of life's storms, I am the peace.

I am the calm."

I pray that whatever life throws your way, because there will be storms, you will learn of Him. Learn of His goodness, search out his faithfulness, find the space of peace He has set apart. Step into the faith He has for you.

We are not pregnant now, and it may take some time, this may not be the end of this season for us. But I am thankful for what I am learning and I hope that somehow this encourages you and that He uses this storm in my life to build your faith. Because He is good, He's better than you think.